I just told her she was a heartbeat above a blowup doll.
he was writing an apology letter to his liver in shakespearean english... That much fun...
he knocked over the vodka and juice...picks up the cup and says "yes", takes the last sip...doesnt even worry about the mess all over the floor and we continue having sex.
apparently there was a flour fight and couch sex...
Beer pong consisted of me throwing a ball at the wall and then falling over because moving my arm made me dizzy. I think our team lost.
We still on for coffee?
Cream and sugar. Deliver to planned parenthood in 45.
I'm sitting at work trying to dust glitter off my pants. I can't hang out with her anymore.
I'm drunk in a field. the chupacobra is going to eat me. if I die serve vodka at my funeral.
Found a grenade pin. Still no Dave.
I think your dick broke my retainer, I normally wouldnt care but my orthodontist died and I don't want my first appt to be blow job broken retainer with a new ortho.
I just heard a 350 lb guy with a stutter describe getting blood in his eye as he was shanking his cellmate and, more generally, how to survive as a white guy in jail.\n\nYou should really consider going to some AA meetings
Ummm so I'm at the hospital and just heard some guy get tazed......twice.
We put a ban on pants at an unusually early point in the night.
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
You're not talking any sense into me. You're cheering me on to disaster.
... is that not half the reason I'm your best friend in the first place?
Randomize
