Annihilated within 20 minutes of arriving on Saturday, proceeded to hook up with him half a dozen times/almost have sex in the shed. Later on I text his boyfriend letting him know he's okay and that he's asleep next to me. If I could parlay this skill into a vital component of national security I'd be the Jack Bauer of homewrecking. Diner later?
You wanted to speak to the manager of mcdonalds as to why a "bag of cheeseburgers" isn't a menu option.
Just watched a fat girl on a scooter run into the back of a bus head first
You are the luckiest man alive
I'm also glad were at the point in our friendship where my vagina talking to you isn't weird
He woke me up at 3 am kneeling on the floor pissing and yelling, then he passed out and stole my comforter. I want a new roommate...
He was sucking my nipples then stopped, looked me dead in the eyes and said "im gonna cum for my babygirl"
You peed on someone's house because they had a Wisconsin flag.
i got to hold a baby today and i loved it and i want a baby but actually i'm going to make an appointment to get birth control now.
I literally just force feed a guy flintstone vitamins after sex
Why did I see a weird snapchat of you barking at McDonald's last night?
I told myself I'd stop after three shots of fireball. Haha HA hA.
Costco cheesecake and whisky. A night made in heaven
It's something you'd find in the room outside of Ben Carson's sex dungeon
She wouldn't fuck me because I had a cast, so I took her friend home
You know when you're a kid and you play at the pool until you passed out? It was like that except instead of playing it was sex.
Randomize
