so howd the 'mom i only play with condoms' conversation go?
He is drunkenly eating my teddy grahms and making little growling noises as he bites the head off of each one.
He wants to be 'in an open relationship'. Fuck that. That's the online equivalent of letting him pee in a circle around me.
i just googled the alphabet. i couldnt remember if it was jklomnop or jklmnop.
before you smothered your pizza in mayo you blotted it with a napkin saying you were trying to watch your fat intake
dude literally just took me 4 trips to take out the recycling from last night. we need to have parties like this more often
I know it's early but when you wake up can you please validate my life and tell me I'm not just a drunk idiot.
Can you please come and collect your boss off of my kitchen floor.
So it's official the pockets of my work apron exist solely for the purpose of secretly flipping off asshole customers and not losing my job.
I have the WORST hangover. Pretty sure my liver fell out while taking a dump. THAT bad.
then you dropped a clam in a draught beer like it was a drop shot and and started chugging as beer spewed all over your body.
It's a herpes check up not a beauty pageant
Ethically, this is the worst thing I've ever done. Financially, however...
I didn't think you wanted your identity stolen along with your dignity. My mistake.
I just got baptized.
Drunkenly skinny dipping in a indoor hotel pool is not okay and does not count as a baptism.
Randomize
