In case you were wondering, you weren't dreaming. I really did get stuck between my bed and the wall last night.
I had a dream last night that you and me were eating cheesecake and according to my FATHER I was moaning really loud in my sleep. I seriously have issues.
I would just like you to know that the guy I blew off last weekend to come find ur drunk ass just got drafted into the major leagues.
Moment of silence for the loss of that option.
you got me arrested i just think that goes without question you owe me a blowjob
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So I paid for the taxi using pennies and hair clips, no need to thank me.
Alright whatever you say... But in the future when you really wish you had a dildo don't come crying to me about it.
I woke up with my panties in the cat food dish, and everything covered in honey and bruises.
Is it bad I'm drunk at orientation
You've been there for 12 hours, what are you supposed to be doing
Not be drunk
"YOU A2TE UNDERAGE LOL" Got that at 2am. Gotta stop dating alcoholics.
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Was your wine and cheese snap taken from the toilet?
Would it be weird if I bought knee pads and shin guards to fuck in my car?
WHERE THE FUCK'S MY FUCKING RITALIN YOU FUCKING FASCIST?????
I can't believe just smoked out of a pear
I can't believe you had a pear already made to smoke out of, that was impressive
Can I get my morals surgically removed?
He jerked off some dude with a slice of Wonder Bread.
The sports guy?
Yeah. They claimed the bread made it hetero
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