Grilled cheese is the best thing. ever. better than boys, and alcohol, and sex, and chocolate, and money. But not really the last two.
I wonder if Barack Obama has ever been this drunk.
I chased a girl up a staircase screaming because she had a cardboard cut out of James Dean which, at the time, I believed to my friend being held against his will
One is full of apple juice. One is full of tequila. This is real russian roulette my friend.
I filled two of the glass ornaments in my mom's bathroom last night with vodka. That way no one sees me drinking on Christmas. Alcoholic or genius? All I know it makes bathroom trips frequent and enjoyable.
I'm going to buy her a puppy, let her fall in love with it, then kill it in front of her. Does that answer how I feel about her?
YOU ARE OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. I AM OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. HOW IS THIS REAL.
It was that same situation where "cuddling on the floor" was actually just code for "rough shameful hate sex" hahaha.
If he survived pride he can survive a gay bar
On a Thurs night I found myself drunk in a limo w 9 dudes on my way to a strip club. Once there I was handed $100 in ones and told "spend it." I need a husband. Or Jesus.
if i do community service solely to impress a guy, everyone wins, right?
except your soul
I had the hottest doctor assess me at the hospital. He smelled like heaven and sex.
We went from him going down on me to swapping baby pictures of our moms.
So congratulations, your penis has now sent me to urgent care not once, but twice!
After this weekend my vagina will follow his penis anywhere. It’s like the pied piper, but with penis
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