who do you think you are?
someone who doesn't ask that question
Flying into Chicago for a few days, getting re-deployed in September, we should probably fuck
Kristina got the same text from you just now, she's sitting next to me, how many people did you send this to?
Your therapist is not going to think that you using your vagina as revenge is okay
At what point did we agree that playing bocchi ball on the way to the liquor store was a good idea?
He did plead exhaustion. And I made him push through it. I am like the motherfucking badass football coach of sex.
We're downstairs cleaning up and she turns to me with these big puppy dog eyes and says "Just so you know, I didn't have sex on your couch". You have to hug that.
this lady just pulled corn on the cob out of her purse
People like that make this world a better place.
When you can pee with one hand accurately while texting, you drink too much.
Omg just opened my passenger side door and my outfit from last night is on the floorboard.
you start one little fire by the lake and the police want to talk to you all night...
No, you made a silk sheet toga and held up a dildo calling yourself "The Statue of Puberty". People made pilgrimages from the other party down the block to see you.
We were looking everywhere for you and I finally found you in the closet talking to a build a bear.. So I gave you and myself another drink
Fuck the walk of shame. I make this shit glorious.
The fact that you arent wearing shoes probably just adds to the classiness
Condom wrapper stuck to my shirt ups the anty
where are my pants?
in the oven.
I feel like I should send her I'm sorry I've been fucking your boyfriend flowers.
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