I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
Well the bottom line is that I had to completely coat my testicles in Neosporin.
how the FUCK am I supposed to macarena while doubble fisting?
Well, shes famous, an alcoholic, hillarious, and has big boobs.... Pretty much my only aspirations in life.
I'm gonna put my relationship status as "widowed" to see if it helps me get some poon.
I just saw a fat chick walking across campus talking to herself and licking her lips. Diet season is scary.
So I cleaned out my gym bag. Found half a bottle of malibu.
You know, I could pretend I'm shocked but what's the use?
Is it possible to just pretend that everything we did after grilling up your goldfish didn't happen?
dude, you were feeling up her boob for 20 minutes in front of the guy she was hitting on because you and her had an argument over who had bigger boobs.
hey man, it was for science okay.
The things i do for you...I put all those condoms on a bed, complete with girl, and you sleep in the bathroom
Oh you know same old same old. just eating pizza after faking extreme night terrors to get a one night stand to leave my apartment
I SHITYOUNOT DAN JUST PUNCHED A DEER IN THE FACE. MID LEAP.
He's a doctor now.. hope he can cure his small dick
Facebook is for cat videos and having better lives than people from high school, period.
like, there should be nothing wrong with me wanting to watch you put on a bikini and roll around in a kiddie pool of jello
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