I know I'm really high but I swear I just saw him beating off to his fantasy football roster.
I just looked at the maps icon on my IPhone and "eR" was typed in the search address bar. I wonder if we ever got there.
ah. the first shower back home is like a baptism from the sins of the past year
We started a mustache riot at white castle at 4 in the morning. Will explain in detail.
I'm sorry and I love you. One day we're going to live in a whore mansion with our babies and make boys cry.
I should put together a new mom basket for her. It would have diapers, vodka, ambien, and tissues for when she cries about her wasted youth.
You came on the chandelier from the first floor.. Of course were allowed back
Your dress got me laid by one of Obama's Secret Service members. Patriotic duty, check.
I just passed a kid trying to leave on a lawn mower
It wasnt until i started dancing that i realized i pissed myself dude. I dont think shes gonna call me back.
in mid sex he pointed out my great gatsby tattoo and we started discussing themes and metaphors from our fave fitzgerald novels
you need to stop fucking English majors
I am become drunk, destroyer of all worlds
How do I stop your cat from bathing me? I'm afraid she'll get drunk off my sweat
No. It's going to be "I'm mad that it took you so long to get over here" angry sex.
OHMYGOD YOU REALLY THINK I'D BE ON OPRAH?!
Randomize
