nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
kinda considering buying a life alert for sophmore year
Im going to need an iv of taco bell after this.
just tried to puke while my RA was trying to puke in the stall next to me.bonded for life
Getting cock-blocked by Jeff Bridges. NOT OKAY.
If he breaks up with me, your job is to keep me drunk and make sure I don't sleep with anyone. Ok?
New discovery: pineapple flavored vodka. Life made, liver in jeopardy. Graduation t-minus 50 minutes.
Omg. I wanna lecture the drug dealer about how highschool should not be his glory days.
I feel so nauseous and all I want is string cheese. My life never makes sense.
I bruised my dick hopping over that fence last night
I told ya. I'm super awesome at making things super awkward. I'm the Awkwardnator.
I told some guy on tinder, that apparently has a prosthetic leg, that I think we started off on the wrong foot. I hate myself...
I woke up naked and you weren't here. What a relief.
I left the party 20 min ago..just thought i would tell you so you wouldnt think i fell in the lake again
I found my parents stash of sex toys. You know my green one? My mom has it...in purple. I HAVE THE SAME VIBRATOR AS MY MOTHER
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