I realized as I was wesiging my engamemby ring that you'd never love me tha same. I have life plans and Sam showed them to me
What? You're not speaking real words.
your transformation into a slut upon entering college is like a shakespearian tragedy
apparently people get pissed when you take the bag of wine out of the franzia box and put it in your purse before leaving the party
Seriously, stop peeing all over the toilet seat. It looks like movie theatre butter.
I have never pre-planed for a better sober morning than lacing my muffin batch with tylenol.
I walked into the bathroom and the toilet was on fire... I stood there for like a minute trying to decide whether I should put it out or get my camera.
Come see our sink grown plant.
Eric and I got kicked off of karaoke last night. Apparently, singing about masturbation to the tune of "A Whole New World" is not appropriate and definitely frowned upon by the DJ.
My alcohol tolerance is way too high for this paycheck.
halloween is SO much better on drugs, why didn't anyone let us know about this when we were kids
My prof gave me extra credit for drawing a ninja on my paper and writing "ninja will up my grade"
Best part of having a window in your office is that you can leave through it when you shit your pants at work.
Like we just had a bunch of sex and then he threaded my eyebrows in bed lol. It was amazing
Somehow I just turned an entire McDonald's bag upside down in my car and not a single fry fell out. The Lord really does work in mysterious ways.
Like, my vagina is jet-lagged.
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