just took a shot of grandma at the fucking bowling alley... this is going to be interesting
First thing she said after sex was.. are you baptised by chance?
I got to the apartment, I was handed a beer within 20 seconds, I'm glowing in the dark, there's fog everywhere, and now I'm wearing a sombrero because apparently it's silly hat night. I never want to leave.
There is nothing scarier than watching yourself breathe in the mirror while on shrooms.
What can I say, I bounce back quick. Never thought the line "my turtle died" would get me so many free drinks last night
I just really need to get the matching flask to go with my pill box. Is this another step towards rock bottom?
I totally accidentally said "we don't go around hammering girls in the rear" in front of 132 5th graders today.
My addiction to golf is getting out of hand....I just caught myself swinging my dick like a putter while peeing.
I just don't understand how we smoked the EXACT same thing and I feel fine but Tim's over here serenading his fifth bowl of fruit loops with Elton John's entire discography.
No one ever gets any after sleeping with her. She is like the broken mirror of hookups, enjoy 7 years of blue ball. Don't say I didn't warn you
I'm doing running of the bulls tomorrow at 7am...except in New Orleans roller derby girls chase you.
I wish we could all take a bath together. Not in a lesbian way. But in a relaxing drunk in the tub sort of way.
There were containers of weed in the piñata. How much more Colorado does it get
she was just meowing in the corner eating frozen chicken nuggets
We hotboxed his bathroom. going to be a good night
Hotbox went wrong - smoke sets off fire alarm. Firefighters coming
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