you want me
i'd rather choke on a dick.
Did you call me this morning? I was really drugged up and don't remember.
Have a good day. My vagina shrank.
I fell off the front porch last night. Actually.. I dove. I dove off the front porch.
I am downstairs in the bar now having a beer...actually I ordered two beers and placed one across from me in front of an open chair. I did this for appearance sake, so nobody knew I was double fisting all alone. I'm getting hungry now. I'm thinking of ordering two meals just to keep appearances up.
He is the blood diamond of hook ups. You think you want it...but you don't
Why are you awake at 6am and liking photos from rando Russian chicks on Instagram?
well he got me up crazy early but i got pizza for breakfast and an electric blanket to sleep with sooo he passed the one night stand test.
WHY IS IT FROWNED UPON THE DRESS UP IN CAT COSTUMES AND SIT OUTSIDE OF BARS WITH A BOX OF WINE I THOUGHT THIS WAS AMERICA
She's started this new thing where whenever she drives by random couples talking alone outside she yells "break up! this is your sign!"
Lift me 50ft in the air like a tow truck but with your penis
How high are you exactly
Couldn't finish, so she gave me "the tap," and I had to leave the mound early. Nothing worse than the long walk back after the manager comes out and asks for the ball.
I've never been so tempted to check my phone during sex in my life.
When I go to hand him the blunt and he's eating a cookie and responds with "let me hit this cookie"
I can handle him. I'm made of spite and hot wings.
I just put my eye make up on in the bathroom of the bar.... I may be too comfortable here....
Randomize
