Even my Mr Clean Magic Eraser can't make last night disappear.
I've been reduced to Capt. Morgan and Golden Girls reruns. Ugh.
he just texted me two pictures of his dick. i feel i should rethink whatever vibe im obviously giving out
so is it as big as he says?
he put a tube of toothpaste next to it as a reference. it looks legit
Aunt Jean just announced that her pubic hair is getting thicker as her head hair gets thinner. As a family we are just not a people of mystery.
So I'm on the can right now reading a court transcript for an appeal. Some dude is paying $155 an hour for me to take a shit.
I have no idea what happened after 2 AM. I woke up on my bike, in my bed, with a deep thigh bruise.
just heard a glass bottle fall in lecture and my first thought was to yell party foul.....is it friday yet?
Didn't I tell you I have developed a shameless theory about farting anywhere and everywhere? I'm too pretty so no one suspects me.
He was all like, "I've prayed every single day just for one more night with you."
Omg just give him a quick handy and walk out.
You passed out with your mouth on the faucet, straddling the keg, with your arms wrapped around it
Hows the party lookin?
At a live sex show right now. Not sure about the employee party
I wish the guy I was sleeping with wasn't on house arrest.
She's currently singing "I'm gonna keep on lovin you" to her pillow. How do you think tonight went?
After we won that round of beer pong you attempted to swallow the winning ball whole claiming you had the mouth and jaw of a snake.
A snake? I must've been gone...
After that you got naked and hissed at people the rest of the night..
I seriously thought Satan had his hand up my asshole and was pulling out my soul. Never. Again.
Randomize
