I had new employee orientation at the YMCA today. I showed up with a hangover, a black eye, scratches down my arm, and a sore throat from puking gin and keystone.
a kid in a transformers shirt tried to pick me up last night at work. he also rolled up on a bicycle, the kind with pedals. do i look that easy?
He lasted like 30 seconds. With a condom. I just expected more from the president of a frat.
Just promise me you won't ring in the new decade by clutching onto a toilet
Dude. She told me she felt bad for not giving me more blojobs. HOW COULD THAT HAVE GONE BETTER?
Please tell me why 'cock-a-thon' was auto saved in my phone.
They reenacted the scene from the lion king where mufasa talked to simba from the clouds. As high as they were they got it word for word. There has to be an award for that.
I gave him head in my cape. On the kitchen floor. Watching a show about bacon.
Hey will pizza rolls help if you accidentally get a diabetic chihuahua drunk?
The wizard has you scheduled for a 6am sex breakfast
I'm so there
I am currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
Sometimes I really think that if... When your stoned you have a catlike ability to just relax in any position
I think i got my first booty call. it was like she came to my house. sex. leave.
Congratulations. Welcome to the wonderful world of quick dirty secret sexy time.
thanks... i think. haha
We got really excited for country fried steak then we had sex.
I just convinced a telemarketer I live in a tree.
What did he say?
He still asked if I want a home security system.
Randomize
