Whiskey dick.
Yea dude! Love it. Hate it. Have it.
Everyday of my life.
Well yesterday i made out with the entire football team and rifht at this very moment our waiter looks like a ken doll. Straight up. And he gave me wine so ill probly make out with him
college has opened so many doors for you
I saw an Asian dude carrying a patchwork denim purse get into a car with two rednecks at the grocery store tonight. Imagine what I could have seen if I had actually done something interesting.
LMAO!!! just remembered you said this to me last night. "sometimes you post too many Jesus tweets. It's not that that's really bad... But I roll my eyes and you should know that."
I was drunk but it's true
It would be been irresponsible not to make cleaning the apartment into a drinking game
well at that point we were just fucking to keep warm.
He waited exactly 18 minutes to booty call me after his break up.
We make out exclusively when we're drunk. That's like a relationship for me, right?
I am not betting on the failure of any friend that is not you.
I don't care if my next phone has to run on the blood of virgin koala bears, I don't want to be scrambling for a charger.
Giving you good advice and being naked are not mutually exclusive.
His flight is delayed. Mother Nature is delaying me from sex.
Happiness is having a 12 hour day thinking that there are only 2 beers in the fridge when you get home, but then finding 8. Fuck you Monday, this week I won.
My mom just drunk texted me complaining about her genitals smelling like Taco Bell. I really am her son
Woke up way too warm in the middle of a spooning sandwich. Was working up a rant about still not wanting a threesome. Then I realized the littlest spoon was the dog. Might need to break up anyway.
Randomize
