I always feel awkward when im sitting at home watching the price is right and the fat contestant get the gym equipment.
I must have had a great time last night.. I woke up with coconut oil all over my glasses
I'm drunk. And at a vegan cafe. You would hate it. Don't tell my hipster friend but I kinda hate it too.
We saw a kid playing in poison ivy. We walked away, he'll learn his lesson.
battery dying...get laid and text me after...or during...its whatever.
Apple Jack is not a good idea for breakfast. Whiskey can't replace milk.
I could tell by the Randy 'Machoman' Savage "hey brother" that you were beyond inebriated
I am so hung over a medically induced coma is beginning to sound appealing.
You have like just as much sex as me and I have a brand new bf. That does not add up. That is not right.
Just discovered evidence of drunken eBay bid. Drunk Mike did pretty good -- I'm getting a new sleeping bag.
Would I be crazy if I drove 1,000 miles for some dick? What mile does it become ridiculous?
I feel like I don't show you my boobs enough. And you deserve to see them like all the time
I wonder what dick looks like without astigmatism?
You have got to be the only man who has passed out while getting a lap dance.
She told me I’m a “stunt cock.” I’m okay with that
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