im learning from these one night stands last time i came in her this time i came on her AND deleted every contact in her phone!
We were making out and then he stopped and said to me, "Your ship is right there, why don't you take your people and just go?"
I almost punched the night nurse in her face. I woke up and she was standing over me.
sooo... you have no idea who nailed their tubesocks to my wall?
I plan on drinking enough to kill at least 2 frat boys and make an aa meeting weep for joy
I had to puke in a ditch beside a cow pasture and like 50 cows just stood there and watched. I could feel the judgment.
It's been two dates and she just invited me to her aunts funeral. I can't even. Who the fuck does that? I need to drink I'm coming to get you in 5
This is why you are going on a date. To see if he is fun or if we need to shank him in the parking lot.
Oh hello Jordan's parents, I'm here to have sex with your son. He's in the shower? Oh great, I'll join him
Ahha guy saw me buying beer, went "hmmmmm" and nodded his head approvingly. No words exchanged, but he has made his way to my heart haha
Just a reminder- you dropped broccoli in my car and then felt bad for it and named him Henry
I know. I miss henry.
The next time you invite me out to a bar full of cougars warn me first. I never felt like a piece of meat before.
I threw up in 4 different Starbucks across the city before 9 am.
Weird. And pubic lice are now endangered so your hairy balls can rest easy
If I have put a neon “vacancy” sign on my skirt for him to get the picture I will.
Randomize
