Deffinety need to stop having sex on the beach just took a dump and it was mostly sand
everyday i am more and more thankful i can still check the no box for "have you ever been convicted of a felony?" on applications
You spent most of the night crying and throwing leftover meatballs at the neighbors dogs
level of my singleness - just ate a whole pizza topless in bed.
Hey remember that thing i said about never apologizing for being a hot mess? Well that was before you found me drunk in the hallway with no pants.
the night ended with taco bell and tears
He just fingered me to the Lion King soundtrack. And when he left he turned dramatically and said "I'll be back after work. Be prepared." Taint ALL the childhood memories.
I'm pretty sure the bus driver knew how hung over I was and hit all the pot holes on purpose. I threw up into my water bottle.
PS: I just woke up from my shower
You know you're sufficiently drunk when the 411 dude just says, "Fuck it! I'll Google that shit for you, what movie do you want to see?" and proceeds to give you showtimes for 3 different theatres.
Yeah. Well last night I sold my shoes to a man who I'm pretty sure has a weird foot fetish for $150 cash.
These muscle relaxers obviously don't work because I'm harder than a fucking diamond.
Im sorry you'll never get the feeling of closeness when you go to pee outside and you realize you're peeing right where someone else just peed
It finally happened my mom knowingly gave me money to buy drugs i knew this day would come\n
I woke up on the hammock spooning a box of Cheese Itz.
Randomize
