I just want to get to the point in our relationship where I can get on top of her and fart and we can both laugh...not just me.
ashley and jimmy are about to have sex on degrassi.... EVERYONES GETTING LAID BUT ME
Im making the walk of shame with half a box of pizza, its like when youre little and you get a goodie bag leaving the party
im at a party in sweatpants, slippers, and a basketball jersey from the eighth grade, 10 bucks says im still getting laid
Just got a lapdance on the metro. She said she was on maternity leave and needed the practice.
I am standing at the lion i publicly humped last night. i am mortified.
four loko is apparently banned in the us. so i think its time for us to stock up. i already emailed them about buying them in bulk
Omg just woke up. 6am. random apartment. broad daylight. bunch of ppl doin coke around me. Theres a bridge nearby. I think my dentist is down the block. Oof.
I guess I puked all over my hand too and I just looked at my roommate and said, "fix this."
I ended up staying at a police station for being a witness in a public masturbation case..NOW do you believe me that I've never had a good St. Patrick's Day?
I'm allowed to be upset. I've never had that many fingers in my ass
I just told him that with every paper, I'd take a picture of myself with one less piece of clothing. Who say's I can't be a tutor?
"DO YOU LIKE FLYING KITES" WORKED AS A PICKUP LINE. SUCK IT.
When she says 'Polish hangover cure' she just means more vodka. Don't do it.
I wrote life affirmations on my notes to repeat and read several times a day so I become a better person, see the time on the toilet has been constructive
Randomize
