When the moon hits your eye like a big pizza pie, you're a dumbass
For using a life jacket as a pillow, I slept pretty good last night...
Only way we know if he truly fits in is if we spill straight vodka on the floor and his first instinctnis to lick it up. Otherwise, gameover.
I left him a voicemail saying i went through with the abortion and he texts me back one thing... the bbm "phew" face. really?
I judge a person on how well they respect their vaginas... I can tell by the lack of respect she has for hers I dislike her.
Sorry but i am wayy to hungover to take mom to her AA meeting.
Wont she be proud, Hailey.
If you're that baked in a class full of people that know you're that baked you tend to offer up a peace offering. Its like the burrito of trust! If eaten you are now obligated to help maintain my grades and keep me from falling out of my chair. $3.75 a morning is worth it for that mafia type protection!
It has become abundantly clear why you give me pixie stix when you're drunk now...
Oh god. I asked to "play his sexaphone" which I though was a super sex way to say "let me blow you". He fucking walked home at 4:30am
Wouldn't life be so much easier if you could just walk up to attractive men and say, "Let me bear your children" and it wouldn't be creepy?
Or possibly end in a restraining order?
And thanks to you I'm pretty sure I'm banned from every qdoba in south carolina. And cab company
I woke up in your kitchen with my ID in my hand and my nails were painted electric blue. Dude.... never let me have fireball again.
That awkward moment when you're drunk enough to crave cocaine, but you're sober enough to know it's only Tuesday.
BUT I'M ALSO ONLY IN IT FOR SEX AND HE CAN'T EVEN GET THAT PART RIGHT.LIKE LITERALLY ALL HE HAS TO DO IS DICK ME DOWN AND BE A DECENT HUMAN BEING IS THAT SO HARD TO ASK?!
2017 is gonna be explosive... Already watching fireworks out the window while shit my brains out. Happy Ew Year
So today the police came to my dorm to look for weed, i didn't have any in the room, so i let them in. they apologized for any inconvenience and then left after finding nothing. then i realized i was wearing gauges with weed leaves on them lol
Randomize