Just found out that I was singing john legend songs as I threw up last night. Quality.
I wouldnt endorse that guy if he was walking in a walkathon to raise money for a disease i had
I'm in the library if you wanna come give me library head.
The fact that when I blacked in you were sober enough to kick me out of your roommates bed makes me question our friendship.
Went home drunk last night and peed on my Christmas tree, my mothers going to fucking kill me
I invited you and you fucked me in the face with the penis of disappointment and shit.
its before 9am and ive already had to dip my dick and balls in a glass of milk. probably isnt a good sign for how today is going to go.
Now that makes it sound like you had sex with a guy in batman costume and you never took the mask off so you can't 100 percent be sure.
Did you know that taking off a bra with teeth burns ninty calories?
I woke up to find a bottle of Bacardi in my shower rack. How was your night?
Antibacterial soap and prayers does not for spermicide make
Good, be his mentor. Like a tiny gay Yoda.
Apparently he got pepper spray on his dick. So he's a literal fire crotch.
Showing girls my stab wound was not the brilliant idea I thought it was.
Will you rub my calves while I masturbate?
Randomize
