i just woke up naked on my porch, holding the neighbors cat in my arms.
I just woke up in my closet, wearing a pink cowboy hat and a pink thong...
I want my thong back.
I hate you tequila.
No, I'm never going to get a job bc I don't know anything about public relations except that Chris Crocker wants everyone to leave Britney alone.
Now that I'm 21, I feel like I'm letting North Dakota down by not being drunk everyday
well, I suppose if I had to pick a penis to represent the american public, yours would be it
This will be amazing. Plus he's going to do a line of cocaine off of the other guy's ass.
I think as far as last words to bitter ex girlfriends go, "enjoy that staph infection youre about to get in your uterus" is right up there with the best
Stolen hampster on my tits. Don't tell me I don't know how to party.
As if finding out the man you just had sex with is married isn't bad enough, it gets so much more awkward when his wife comes in to comfort you...
I'm pretty sure that our Lady and The Tramp Red Vine moment was the farthest I got last night
A girl just invited me over for a blowjob and beer. Is this a trap?
We broke the bed while I was handcuffed to the headboard and let's just say that was a hard one to explain to the RA
dude, i told you to rally, so you sprinted upstairs, knocked some girl down, and without missing a beat said, "not now bitch, im in the fucking zone" and took off
How do you explain to your parents that you can't go to the library because you got banned for being drunk in there... on a Sunday afternoon?
That's $100,000 of quality education right there.
You went after him with a sword while screaming “FAJITAS!”. And Todd was dressed as a Goth for some reason
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