You bet me 100 dollars that the Raiders would win the super bowl this year. I have it on tape.
I spent my night drunkenly staring at a picture of John Stamos. How do you think I feel?
The only good thing about trampolines when you're fucked up is the gushing blood really cleans all the bad coke out of your nose.
I just found a hunk of ham in my back jeans pocket from god knows when. We gotta stop going so ham.
For Valentine's Day I've purchased six lighters and I'm decorating them for him. I'm on a full ride to an art school and this is what I'm using my talents for. An intervention is needed. Please stop letting me date stoners.
She said we could only have sex if she got to keep her fake moustache on during
and by clear my head i mean get drunk and cry myself into oblivion.
Next time we smoke don't let me talk. I just said something and it sounded like I was speaking in hashtag.
They should just send me home - I'm literally doing nothing but watching porn and listening to pandora.
Still not over the fact that we prayed to Jesus to help us win beer pong
We figured you were on something when you said that your nipples couldn't hear the music.
She tried deep frying a banana by placing one, unpeeled, into a toaster.
I FOUND A VIBRATOR IN MY BABY BROTHERS ROOM. IM FREAKIN OUT MAN ITS BIGGER THEN MINE
put it back and chill out ok
NO FUCK HES 15 WHO EVEN SOLD HIM THAT HES A BABY
Either it didn’t do much damage or I’ve lost all feeling in my asshole
I think its a little fucked up she invited you to her wedding, are you going?
There is a lot of acid in my drugs right now
....ill put you down as a no then
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