Just ran into that chick u called from my phone and left her a MSG bout how she has aids
Ahaha, good shit
can you come get me at the bar
ill be there in 10 min
can we stop off at build a bear on the way home
Walk of Shame time yet?
Dude she's 6"2, blonde and on the cheerleading team. I look like Seth Rogen's fatter, unfunny brother. What shame am I supposed to be feeling?
You probably don't remember. You were drunk and getting your tits drummed on like haitian bongos in a voodoo ritual.
Every time I try to stand up the back of my head feels like a bunch of little elves are beating the inside of my scalp with their toy making tools. What disease could this be?
If I wake up with an unknown penis in me one more time I am literally going to press charges to the makers of tequila.
I should know better than to trust a man I've seen cry on multiple occasions to give me accurate sports information.
there's fuck elsewhere to go, I'll be there with 8 lbs of bronzer on my tits
My arms are still sore. Apparently, lube wrestling is the best workout ever.
How many drinks/blunt hits do you think I could get if I wore an "it's my birthday" shirt
I'm so poor. I just wiped my ass with cocktail napkins... That I stole from the neighbors... When I was over there stealing Cheetos.
yup and then I snapped out of it and realized I was playing beer pong against a 4 year old... and losing
And no one can masturbate with the sound of Bernie's voice in the background
My moral compass kept pointing to his penis.
Julius Caesar had a huge penis
WTF are you reading?
Ha ha! No, the guy in the Caesar costume last night. We hooked up. His dick was huge
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