She described it as "a squirrel being hit by a hurricane"
Probably should plan this out. Step one: grow stache. Two: get trenchcoat. Three: Kidnap Selena Gomez.
I had better be fucking involved with step four.
i opened her purse and found 4 bottles of vodka tampons and an unopened box of birth control...
I made an oral joke and he laughed... That's when I realized I wasn't Daddy's Little Girl anymore.
I just watched a girl in the library pull a vodka bottle out of her bag. I think I'm going to give her my number.
I think my vagina was keeping me fat all these years out of self preservation. It's like she knew what would happen if I lost the weight.
that's why you don't digest questionable powders from girls wearing tutus at a dirty club
girl I've been sleeping with this summer as per her request just gave me a carton of cigs to thank me for my "hospitality". this is good.
last night a police horse bit me when i was wasted. even the animal kingdom knows i'm no good
He equated my biology degree to a belief in Santa. I wonder if he heard the doors to my vagina clanging shut.
WE SHOULD FUCK TWO GUYS THAT LIVE TOGETHER
THAT WOULD BE SO CONVENIENT WE COULD CARPOOL
she just called me the flavor packet to her ramen noodles. get me the fuck out of here.
Sext: Bring me pancakes from the midnight breakfast gathering please
I'm permanently fucked. Every liquid I put into my mouth automatically tastes like fireball.
I wish there were more things in this world as wonderful as string cheese
Surriously
Randomize
