Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
I just remembered that last night when we tried to walk off the spins you said "pretend i'm your pet dinosaur" so i walked you around on an invisible leash while you made t-rex hissing noises.
Shes sitting on the front porch puking in to the pumpkin she just carved...in the rain. I guess pumpkin spice tequila shots wasnt our best idea.
You were on the drunk bus swinging around on the pole when you decided you were hungry, so you pulled half a bagel out of your pants and ate it. Everyone stared at you, dumbfounded as to where it came from, and cheered
I definitely made out with a high school student last night while his sister and my brother were in the same room. I think we're all traumatized by the situation.
I really think that guy just walks around with tennis balls in his pocket. No dick is that big
Apparently we were just playing "bang a bridesmaid". I'm not sure if I won or lost...
can't blv i tried using a "backpack" as a unit of measurement...i drank a lot of beer last night
All I know is that I woke up with my pajamas on inside out in front of a bowl of watered down kd. Sitting up. I didn't even make it to bed.
Who'd have thought a guy with a lisp would be so good with his tongue?
My sister's exploding appendix just cock blocked me...
Pooping with Eye of the Tiger playing. Not a single fuck shall be given.
You know you're good at multi-tasking if you can get a lap dance from someone while simultaneously eating a burrito.
Maverick's sitting in jail wearing a turkey costume and I am soooo jealous.
Lighting a fucking bong with a candle. Straight up dedication.
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