It has come to my attention that I should apologize for myself and my friends
Wearing a Sarah Lawrence sweatshirt is like wearing a shirt that says, "I'm getting a degree in substitute teaching."
I blacked out at the bar, and blcked in getting a handjob on a roller coaster. Sober me is jealous of drunk me.
So I'm drinking wine and watching Thumbelina
I'm teaching my cat to play fetch
Yep, it's a friday
1. Are there men involved 2. Is there food involved 3. Do I have to put pants on 4. Do I have to leave this bed
Update... last night a man tried to bite my ear. I think he swallowed my pearl earring.
so far I've only met her once and hung out one other time. Up to 5 BJs already. That's serious efficiency.
Did he seem like the type of guy that would maybe take weed as payment?
I had one glass of wine then passed out for 4 hours. It's like I'm having a quarter-life crisis.
WHO DOES THAT ON A TUESDAY? This is not a Drake joke, the girl doesn't turn up OR down. She doesn't do anything.
I laid naked in his bed as he brought me an ice cream sandwich so I would say everything worked out great
I mean, it's a romantic picture of pubes if I've ever seen one
His name was Dragon. For real. How do you not sleep with a Dragon? Don't judge me.
Soo are you just gonna poop in my bathtub and not talk to me anymore...?
The economy isn’t reopen until I can get drunk and motorboat fake tits at lunch on a Wednesday
Randomize
