im 80% sure the guy across from me is taking pictures of my legs
And then I chipped his tooth because I got too into it. Helloo, single life.
I just rolled a joint with a page from On The Road by Kerouac. I have never felt like more of a hipster.
At what point in time did you think it was ok to jizz in my hair while I slept??
Around the time you told me my brothers dick was bigger.
The vibrator you gave me is probably the one thing I will never give up if we got robbed at gunpoint
doing a walk of shame covered in blue food coloring is only embarrassing if you make it embarrassing...actually no its embarrassing on all accounts
We bought a hamster while completely stoned and 2 hours later returned it because your mother wouldnt let you bring it in her house. You cried. a lot.
I took 36 pictures of my lava lamp. your weed wins.
Congratulations, I drank so much for your birthday that I'm shitting blood.
Just watched two people have sex in the pool. Hope you enjoy your yeast infection courtesy of the comfort inn.
Are you good with a knife? I need someone to perform amateur surgery.
Reasons I shouldn't drink... My twitter drafts keep getting more and more emotional.
I got wine drunk and bought a hedgehog.
VASECTOMY FOR THE WIN
All I want is dick and wine.
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