Oh shit. I just had to lure him into the bedroom so I could take the list of his negative qualities off the fridge so he wouldn't see.
k so who do I think I'm kidding applying to culinary school? I just fucked up a microwaveable pizza
Best news of the day: the hot chick at the funeral was NOT related to me... Thank god
As weird as that was it was probably the best advice i've ever gotten from a tranny
she was puking red wine out the car window, telling me about how shes joining weight watchers tomorrow, not okay.
my dad just asked me if my booty call guy that comes over at 3am and leaves at 6 would like to stay for sunday brunch next week. you in?
Plus you know he's just 2 semesters and 4 glasses of wine away from "experimenting" with some French major
they won't let me drive with my sombrero
Hey. Hey you. Just wanted to let you know that I'm adorable. FUCKING ADORABLE. That is all. This update brought to you by our proud sponsor bud light.
There is is 40 year old penis staring me in the face right now if there was ever a time to be a good friend its right now.
I just want him to come back from NOLA alive, without an arrest record or stripper glitter on his clothes...
Those seems like unreasonable expectations for a bachelor party honestly...
He was chasing Ciroc shots with sips of Captain Morgan... he didn't make it to midnight
I can't believe I forgot to wish you a happy 13 week-iversary of the time you raw-dogged a rando. Only two days late, so it still counts. And since your 14 weeks is coming up, you should know that at 14 weeks your baby can squint, frown, grimace, pee, and possibly suck his/her/their/zir thumb!
Wait, there's no way I said I would suck his dick. I know drunk Katie.
No, you told him to suck YOUR dick.
See now that sounds like drunk Katie.
Things could not have gone more poorly if I had stripped naked and run through the Sahara with sirloins tied to my vagina.
Randomize
