The party tonight has no theme but I decided to go as a home wrecker.
you think it's bad that I have four different guys toothbrushes in my bathroom?
woke up with food on the counter from chipotle, taco bell, green cactus, and on the border take out. explain?
you were trying to get this Spanish chick to sleep with you. you were showing her how much you "loved her native food."
the theme of the baby shower is Nightmare On Prego Street
Well, thats the first guy to go to jail because of my vagina
Post that event on your timeline
i woke up and found a picture of his grandma in my purse.. im a kelpto
blew off easter dinner with the fam to go play shot roulette. woke up in nothing but my boxers in the back of a random pickup truck.
I'm keeping track of how many times I've said "Shhh, act like you're not naked." in my life. So far, 3 times.
I feel like she is getting all kinds of bacterial exposure that may otherwise have been avoided had she been wearing pants
If you sleep with him I will stab you int the uterus with a pitchfork.
Prepare the pitchfork.
Blow Jobs and the Patriots Playing I think I’m going to marry her
I feel like it's the kind of place that would appriciate my Aladdin vest
i had to call him over, it was my last chance at getting some tonight
HE HAS A RESTRAINING ORDER AGAINST U!!!
it expires tomorrow
do nipples grow back?
the coup got in the way of sex but inauguration day came thru we did it joe
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