Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
I want to touch your soul through your body...with my penis...
Mike i'm at church right now...
If you're on a tempurpedic mattress do you think you can feel if someone is jacking off right next to you?
Wow my backseat really seemed a lot bigger when we were 16
There is a guy standing at my bar right now wearing an affliction SUIT. I can't wait on him.
no i did not stop my best friend from eating out my sister...bros before hoes
I just sat in the Taco Bell drive-thru waiting for a trash can to take my order. Yes, that high.
I walked into his living room and saw him watching the play-offs while eating tomato paste out of the can with a bottle of wine. I'm telling you to stop talking to him. now.
I seem to remember you being very disappointed that drinking Michelob Ultra didn't give you magic powers.
I'm not saying I'm drunk, but I'm definitely saying my liver has its work cut out for it.
I was just laughing and almost crying after I orgasmed, and then almost crying because I was laughing so hard. That's new.
Does he think you're psycho?
Officially...... yes.
Almost to my house to grab beer. And pants.
You didn't try to help me when I fell on the dance floor. She brought me cupcakes. You're a shitty friend, suck your own dick.
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a Chick-Fil-A breakfast sandwich. How's your Monday?
I'm glad I date someone who likes the simple things. Sex, kittens, and McDonald's.
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