A few issues tonight. 1) Drunk since 1pm. 2) At the bar at 4pm. 3) James brought his sister, who has enormous breasts, isnt shy about cleavage, obviously slutty, and makes me want to do things that would even have Atheists sending me to hell. However, she's wearing glitter, so all Im thinking about is Edward Cullen. Go ahead and rip up my Man Card.
Keep in mind that he's 43, unemployed and living with his parents. There's really not much we could do to make his life worse.
I cant believe she fell for the mistletoe belt AGAIN.
The bouncer was kicking me out and I put up my finger for him to wait while I chugged the rest of my drink..all he could say is "are you serious right now?"
IDK who she called, but some guy came into the party, flying drop kicked Joe said never again. She has to invite him around again.
Yeah. I mean it wasn't that awkward. I just made conversation like there was absolutely no lack of pants.
life lesson #151: dont let people go batshit crazy and stab you in the knee
i will live by this rule
I was fed cake in bed and then was pinned down and ridden till I came. And then fed more cake. I'm going to marry Brad. I'll put money on it.
Jessica just ate her lipstick. That's how the night is going
The thing about pooping in the woods during hunting season is you never know if someone's watching you.
My mom and my boss just had a discussion on FB about the sexual habits of old people. The magic of the Internet.
I'm not strong. I'm hormonal, sad, lonely, and trying to get laid via tinder
Well, if I'm gonna go gay, it's gonna be for NPH
Angels sing when his face is between my thighs. I came 3 times before he even came up for air.
Birthday wine tasting got super shambly super quickly. I am covered in cuts/bruises/terrible life decisions.
Randomize
