I'm trying to bond with my sister... Its like getting to know a person I never met that I don't like
I made out with a deaf person. Also I've been drunk 11 days in a row now.
and I was crying with the towel lady in the bathroom of the bar about the tragedy in Haiti. Then we hugged before I left and I gave her 10 dollars.
There are not one, but two women wearing my boxers on the couch right now. You need to wake the fuck up.
I fucked her and then she made me sleep on the floor next to her bed because she 'has a committment problem'
theres too many punctuation errors in that text to turn me on.
The golf course isn't that incognito for sex.
If I get one more "oh yaaaaa he changed your oil" texts, I'm gonna lose my shit
I am so disappointed that he didn't steal a Christmas tree last night.
I just want you to make me second guess my worth as a human. Is that too much to ask?
I have 3 vacation days left and I'm guarding them like a gay dragon on a pile of gold dildos molded after celebrities.
Smaug the FABULOUS
Verdict: uncircumcised.
We kicked down a door together last night, pretty sure that qualifies us as best friends.
The people above me are fucking to Miley Cyrus
Pro: 2020 made it easier to hook up with strippers
Con: explaining to Kari why there’s always strippers at our house
Pro: there’s always strippers at our house
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