I wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commercials.
Excuse me? I'm weird? You're the one sticking your penis into a pringles can.
I was wrong being drunk doesn't make accounting more interesting
I wonder if i passed any courses from last semester
She can't drink and she can't smoke weed. She might as well be dead to me.
in mid cry she says "I can be a whore if I want to"
Hooking up with one of the deadbeat dads from Teen Mom does not qualify as banging a celebrity.
We're going clubbing with matching soccer jerseys on.
What will that accomplish?
It will accomplish clubbing with matching soccer jerseys on.
Just witnessed a bar fight started by a guy wearing a construction vest cuz he didn't like the other guys shirt
This is a pre-sorry for hitting on and then sleeping with you're ex
Ok. So I've woke up in a hospital. New thing to top that.... Waking up and realizing you've been locked inside the bar by urself at 430 am and all the doors are locked by key
Teeth make me feel like a dinosaur. Can you feel yours?
It's okay. I've dumbed down my notes over the semester because I knew I wouldn't be up to understanding things come finals.
I feel like a drive thru vagina
I’m doing tequila shots with lesbians. This isn’t how I planned my night but I’m not complaining
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