I'm too hungover for some lady to talk to me about potatoes
after we finished he farted and said 'i've been holding that one in'
i just won an entire level on word mole with the word 'clitoris'
Is it weird that I found myself thinking of that blue chick from Avatar while she gave me head after the movie?
my facebook is like a giant collection of my one night stands
I woke up with the Dorothy costume at my ankles, both sparkly red shoes on, and clutching ToTo....we're not in Kansas anymore, dude
Yeah, reverse cow girl. She was on top and I was playing Flappy Bird behind her back. Easiest way to have angry sex.
I'm actually kind of scared about the prospect of us living together. We're just going to eat pizza and drink wine before retiring to our rooms with vibrators
Nothing has ever been more true. Ever.
I did wake up to a random meat and cheese plate next to my bed, that was a thrill.
I want to fling myself into the sun
So I came to the conclusion that who ever pour my ever clear out saved my life
I got so tired of my roommates fucking in the tub I took a shit in it. Surprise!
He's making me do the dishes for the next month and half because I shit in the bath tub...
I almost suffocated in that mask but she kept calling me Jeremy so I kept it on.
Wakes up in a cold sweat at 3am, 136 unread messages and the preview on the notification is "I JUST GOT TO THE INCEST PART"
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