i knew she was high when she broke up the cookies into her glass of milk and ate it like cereal
Eating alone in the dark with one candle. This is sorta sad.
who put toothpaste on EVERY doorknob in my house?!
she let a homeless guy feel her up so she could go for a ride in his shopping cart
Nothing like a false "my-dad-found-my-weed" alarm on Christmas day.
I'm sorry but if you can't drink a bottle of wine without a glass, I do not think we can be friends.
We were in the middle of fucking and she was just like "Do ya wanna play Harry Potter Scene It?" I musta been really bad lol Anyways, her tattoo healed nicely.
I found one of those wine glass confetti bits in my ass crack.
So vagazzling was a success
Open the door and I will lure them out to freedom with viagra and candy orange slices. You know they love that shit.
Hey, I left a taco in your dishwasher.
I am officially in a love triangle with my celebrity crush
i had fun fun last night, with the exception of you running over my foot with your car. makes a great story for my first one night stand.
He lit my hand on fire and bought me chicken nuggets. I'm in love.
She drank my rum. I had sex in her bed and didn't wash the sheets. We're even.
Randomize
