Odds of those being real?
One in who gives a fuck
I was cleaning up my drunken mess and I found my ID in a cereal box
I woke up to a paper award certificate for best blow job and he was gone. You're welcome mystey man.
Training to be a housewife: cleaning the house and masturbating while cookies are in the oven.
way to not show up for Habitat for Humanity, real classy...
I saved lives by not driving this morning
just watched the video of me leading you with a trail of french fries.
I HAVE A PRESENT FOR YOU AND ITS NOT MY VAGINA
I got offered a handle of vodka and tomato soup to bring his dog home. He knows me all too well.
I would watch the shit out of some full house right now.
I'm a gymnast. they should know better than to let me get dunk near anything i can flip on
which guy lost his keys in my bed this weekend?
Dear awkwardly drunk roommate, thanks for stuffing enough change in my clevage that I could afford a pepsi at work today. Sincerely awesome roommate that put up with your drunk ass
I yelled at the dude who smoked him up "YOU'RE THE REASON I'M NOT GETTING LAID" then went to bed. So yeah, I guess it was an ok night.
My stuff that was at your place last night smells like doughnuts. I'm not even mad.
Aww his grandma died? That's sad! No mourning sex!!! That doesn't lead to good things!
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