I'm wearing a childsize birthday hat and a bib. I am the def of sex appeal rite now
i just bought a vibrator and the cashier says "have fun with that." i didnt realise what he said so i responded "you too." and then he gave me his number...
I lost my virginity in that bed. You just layed in history.
She gave him HEAD floating down the river in a tube as big a a tire. I just don't know how to compete with that sort of level of slut.
just tell her a well fed dog doesnt stray far from the porch, and if that doesnt work just keep fucking her sisters
i woke up next to a ladle and a packet of chocolate biscuits that my face had melted into one giant biscuit.
Seriously, I was a high class hooker. I was snorting shit Rachel, white powder, lines formed with credit cards, the dudes house was beautiful. Magnum condom. Adorable puppy dog. Pretty sure at some point I was sleeping on a washing machine. Boxing Gloves.
Those were the highlights of my night.
Yea I've gotten enough hickeys in my life to know what I'd look like with a neck tattoo. I think I'm getting a neck tattoo.
I just spent 20 minutes in a Subway trying to take a candid photo of the doppleganger of the guy I lost my virginity to instead of eating. That's all the evidence I need that my life is on track.
I have weed and a speedo - I don't need anything else.
I'd just like to formally thank you for the size of your dick. The gods must really love you.
On a scale from 1 to total dick, how inappropriate is it to pick your boyfriend up from rehab with a hangover?
the bouncer just handed me a Starbucks bag of pound cake
did you know that sneaking into a golf course at midnight is a felony? the cop made sure to tell us after she peed on the course and hit on him
Let's get this straight. I am six fucking feet tall. Do you even understand how limited my options in guys to date are? No. Did you see my last three boyfriends? I looked like a fucking giant next to them. So I will fuck this six-foot-seven Italian model even if I am the ugliest girl at this party because, goddammit, I deserve to.
Randomize
