why is it that everyone in pennsylvannia gets fucking prego??
Congratulations on your moose knuckle.
Thank you. Really, it was an honor just being nominated.
Whyyyyy do my fingers smell like Chinese food.
She texted me and said she was fingering herself. Don't respond to this because she's the perfect girl. I'd love to smell her cell phone after that.
I assume you meant to text someone else on your contact list instead of your own mother...
Dude I was fucking my girl on the couch and her dog came up and licked my balls. Does that mean we just had a threesome?
If I don't wake up hungover in a ditch Monday morning I will consider my halloween a failure
I'm having a flashback of telling a guy that he was beautiful and graceful like a unicorn while playing shuffleboard.
He rode my dog to the bathroom and wouldn't stop laughing once he got in. It was scary.
I'm not proud of how I threatened that 8 year old during drunken laser tag
walk of shame this morning involved walking through the in-home daycare that she runs while it was full of kids. judgemental little shits. on a plus, got a juice box and a graham cracker for the walk home.
Just watched a guy ride a bike off his roof into his pool. On my way to the liquor store, picking you up in 20
BoomCity!!!
You don't have to text me that every time you have sex. I already heard you ring the gong.
Everybody shut up a minute, we need to discuss how much nicer the world would be if pants weren't a thing.
New drinking game idea: Take a shot for every republican you see on facebook bitching about the ruling.
I think he thought I was too drunk to handle his parrot
Randomize
