just checked my call log and realized that we talked for 3 mns. what did i say for that long?
pretty standard. you have fun last night?
apparently....what exactly does 'pretty standard' mean?
typical hot then cold, followed by a death threat.
It would be worth it to see how drunk he is right now.
He cartwheeled into the side of the neighbor's garage.
Ok, i'm coming over
Im mastering the way to pass gas silently.
and you tried to get a free burrito from Potbelly's
So we were banging and she started puking all over my bed. I'm not sure what's worse, her puking, or that I felt the urge to start singing Flip-adelphia.
dear sober me, don't br the first to open the fridge in the morning
We had sex on a ferris wheel in canada, our relationship will never be the same
Oh my god my life; so much cake and so little sex
Trying to convince my mother to let me take some of my sisters Lortab to sell is not going well
Its against the rules to not make you aware of his virgin situation prior to penetration
I expected to wake up with a sext of you posing nude and all I got was a missed call.....disappointed.
I'm sorry I think it was because I lost a chicken nugget in my purse and that's all that was on my mind until 4am
You'll pass into the great gay beyond
Where it rains cosmopolitans and scantily clad gogo dancers of all genders direct traffic
Apparently i tried to feed this guy's piranhas my whole left arm.. according to him, i was "showing them whos boss, bc if they try to eat my arm, im guna punch their face"
im just letting you know I walked in on you with four different guys last night. a. you were all naked. b. they're all roommates
I look forward to getting really drunk tonight and startling some rando’s mother tomorrow morning while she’s up early making a turkey
It’s a holiday tradition at this point
Randomize
