I've spent too much of my life staring at my bberry and counting to 5 to see if it blinks
So she is eating her margarita with tortilla chips....like using her chip as a spoon
Just walked in on the Yellow Ranger getting porked by a guy in a UD Blue Hen costume. Will somebody PLEASE think of the children.
Well regardless of where or with who you will be blacking out and i will be pouring shots down ur throat like a baby bird
Just saw the stripper pole on the road that we threw out of the party bus last night
The AC broke so he ended up sleeping in the front yard and left his one night stand on the couch.
If you spent as much time trying to get laid as you do masturbating you would surpass all of us.
Is re-gifting a Valentine's Day present worse than re-gifting a Xmas one?
You're unbelievable, unbelievably awesome.
He said I was really mad at him on Friday. Dude I fell asleep in all my clothes and shoes, with my flashlight on, on my phone... I could have been mad at the wall. It wasn't my classiest day.
Let's be honest dude, you almost cried when I gave you a handy, you are not ready for a relationship, I knew this.
My life is literally "I'm too horny you can't leave" or "let's have pie" there's like no inbetween
Consider yourself lucky. If I ever run into my ex, all I'll be able to think is, "I let you pee on me and lead me around on a leash."
I just blacked back in and I'm at a kids birthday party in a suit and people are calling me uncle Carl. Never having your homemade liquor again.
That awkward moment when you bring a guy back to your place then have to tell him you only have magnums.
My vibrator broke.
Dude it's been less than twelve hours. Did you sleep?
Don't worry about that. I need a new vibrator.
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