All I want to do right now is burp, puke, and fart. In that order.
I asked him how he was going to celebrate tomorrow and he said "tits, clits, and bong hits"
when I sang my humps to you I meant it.
i probably shouldve stopped when i uncurled the curly straw in my cocktail because it was slowing me down
I don't remember much of half-time. I do remember climbing onto the roof of the fraternity and telling people I was going to stargaze in French.
I'm not asking you to commit. I'm politely asking your penis to be my friend.
omg i just made best friends with a deer. Im like the drunk santa clause.
We can't tell anyone we fucked because I'm still trying to get with your friend. Is she coming next weekend?
He's listening to "my heart will go on" by himself in the living and its not even noon. MAKE IT STOP.
I told the American that we should start banging in Canada incase I get hurt and have to go to the hospital.. is that rude to say?
Oh my god, are you sexting me while watching the Democratic debate.
100%
Now I'll never know if it was me that got you worked up, or Bernie Sanders' social policies.
I think I swiped left on my soulmate
Babe, Have you see my pants?
Try Jay street in Brooklyn.. that's where I last remember seeing them.
I just hit 3 trees and a golf cart.. all on the same hole
Put me down for a bogey
I’m looking forward to our Cougar years. These freshmen know how to fuck
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