god i wish i could take a shit and a shower at the same time
There's this guy beside me dancing with this girl with no panties on. When I looked at him he said he's babysitting his bestfriend's girlfriend since he can't come out.
What a good friend
I wanna do crazy things to you in a tent
fuckk wrong person
.. who was that for? a girlscout?
My alcohol tolerance is way too high for this paycheck.
when she was 9 she got kicked out of our 4-H camp dance for pole dancing on the spirit stick
I just keep sniffing it hoping for an explanation.
I'm handcuffed to your bathroom sink. Save me.
Just had to find a way to explain to the border patrol that we were coming into canada "for about a half hour to have one last under 21 drink before kendals birthday at midnight." He said ok and told us where the closest bar was. Nice man.
She is sending me pics of her sex faces...which totally counts as sexting in my book
My fuck buddy is great and all, but it gets weird when she gets in arguments with her BF in the driveway
I've noticed we have slowly begun to phase the "B" out of our Bromance.
Can you send me a picture of your dog? I might need to borrow him so I can wear a speedo to a pool party on Friday
My "lord keep me from stabbing a bitch" prayer has gotten a lot of miles today
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
she glued two packs of googly eyes on you while you were blacked out. We talked her out of using her hot glue gun.
ummmm thanks
Randomize
