her orgasm sounded like a fucking walrus crying.
my mom noticed the "toothpaste" stain on my tshirt...she repeatedly attempted to get it off by licking her thumb and rubbing it. See Jenn it obviously doesnt taste that bad...
sorry for throwing an entire water bottle of vodka at you. It was very wasteful
he's got a countert top full of yard sale blenders so id say maragita wednesdays is a go.
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As I am reading this. I'm standing in my underwear eating taquitos. I'm saying this in the most loving way possible: FUCK OFF.
just saw sorostitutes streaking near the university president's house. thank you tequila day
Duuuuuuuude, I need you to sleep with my girlfriend so I can tell you both to move out
Have you ever stopped and thought "I do NOT want to be inside of this person right now. Or ever." Because you should.
Woke up at 10 with bourbon being shoved down my throat and him yelling, "shot train! Don't be a bitch"
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I actually had to tell him that sex doesn't replace my Tupperware. Our relationship has reached a weird level.
There is someone out there for you right now. And we will find her. Or him. Her. Her, we'll start with tits.
Also I think I realized when my life started to turn into shambles.. The day I took my high school senior picture WITH A HICKEY ON MY NECK
I just used an Amazon gift card from a student to order a new vibrator....teacher of the year
We didn't have a place to have sex. So we timed the automatic car wash & spent $9 for 3 minutes and 45 secs of car sex.
I'll just say I told you so at your funeral
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