I woke up with my face in a pile of pancakes and 3000 mistakes.
Is it bad that when I see ugly people make out, I hope he's impotent?
I just saw a guy give a mop to his fat wife and say "Look, an exercise stick!"
the line at the liquor store is out the door, and students in line are high-fiving like crazy...i love college snow days
through my window right now you can see the hot chick next door is standing BUTT ASS NAKED eating peanut butter off a knife.
ill be there in 5.
You were wasted and fell in a pond when you met him, it's not like you were on top of your game
Someone jacked my earrings off me or I threw em in the toilet again
I hate when that happens
We thought we were getting kicked out but then he started tickling the bouncer. Next thing you know the bouncers giving him a piggy back ride to the bar.
I just found 20 dollars in my vibrator box. Was it a drunken sign to myself to get more?
Odd start to the day - the FBI just showed up at my apartment.
i now understand why vodka
I know where his drugs are but not my pants
Our livers are going to hate us.
It's okay, they're regenerative. God wanted this.
It's a testament to the kinds of spouses/parents we will be that we get so wasted but still show up to every class on time. We honor our commitments bitches!
I've started recycling nudes. Why should I take new pictures for every single man?
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