I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
hahaha he is wasted in math class right now and is drawing all the planets in order from the sun
we were naked in his bed and he told me all about what a "baller" alexander the great was.
In the middle of fucking me, she said "Hold on, I need my Hulk hands."
hung over. covered in somebodies makeup. and ready to drink.
On the way home she put on a necklace with her name on it and wrote my name in sharpie across my chest so that in the morning we could avoid the awkward Idk who the fuck you are conversation. Best. Girl. Ever.
No, no, we have to calibrate. What is the maximum amount of trouble we can get into without going to jail?
Yeah. Let's save our goodbyes for when I'm obnoxiously and embarrassingly drunk and more than likely naked.
Bro, he broke his neck diving into a kiddy pool.
On the bad side I puked, but on the bright side I puked lettuce which was a new experiance
Shaving your balls drunk sounds like a good idea untill you do it
My trash can is full of used condoms and girl scout cookie boxes.
Can't be considered a walk of shame if you pick up donuts on the way home
Tonight’s your last chance for a danger free blowjob.
Omg worst high ever. I'm watching Parks and Rec, and all i can think about is how andy, leslie, and tom are my closest friends. Forever alone.
Randomize
