i just realized Britney Spears and I are more alike than I thought. Both of us have our parents in complete control of our lives, we both have restraining orders on previous boyfriends, and we all know both of us can put on a hell of a show
Britney fell asleep on the couch in the foier, got up stripped then pissed on the floor. Then got dressed and went to sleep in it. Also downstairs toilet clogged. Not me. I will be gone by the time you get home from work. Have fun.
I feel like if your cat could talk she would call me a cunt.
It's underwear night and I am literally in the bar wearing nothing but underwear and flip flops.
Got free coffee because I told the guy at starbucks the pleats in his khaki pants made his cock look big.
There's some drunk girl alone in the field, she looks like she could use some help.
Also it's only fair that you know that that girl is me.
That is the best grammar in a dirty text ever. Excellent use of the semi-colon. And yes; I am hard.
just run out there and shit all over the driveway when he comes.. and then point at him
I give you full permission to fuck a rando on my air mattress.
Until she magically finds a brain, I'm going to be a dick. Fair trade. She's a idiot, I'm an ass.
I feel like the fact that I slept with someone who dresses up like Batman a few times will never be lived down.
well it can jab him in the chin so I am 100% sure he can suck his own dick
You were sitting in a chair and you said "I just feel like a little fishy, floooooating through the ocean, so pretty"
He's so vague sometimes. Like dude, we've been friends for 3 years. I don't need you to be vague, I need you to be inside of my vagina.
High me is so sweet. She left not-high me a fortune from a fortune cookie and 6 packets of soy sauce in my tampon drawer.
Randomize
