True love is taking a shit with the one you love in the bathroom with you.
After we had sex, she played this little piggy with my toes
I just heard these 2 kids from flint and Detroit arguing over whose economy is worse... It's really sad what passes for competition in Michigan these days
he also begged me to fake an orgasm when he couldn't get me to come.
I'm glad the dog doesn't judge me for doing leftover lines and watching George of the Jungle at 10 am
Sorry really high. We have no lighter so we're lighting the bowl with rolled up paper towels lit by candle which also lit with a rolled up paper towel that we lit with the stove eye
What's the rule on cocaine before dinner?
Its 11 o'clock somewhere
Walked girl from last night to car as gf was driving up. Got slow clap from neighbors.
It's not so much that I'm giving her money because I threw up on her floor. It's more like I'm paying her to never ever mention it again.
My left boob kept making random appearances last night.
I've spent my afternoon dipping strawberries in DayQuil if that's any indication of where I'm at in life.
I'm not drinking for the rest of the week. I need discipline, celery, dick, and a bible.
I'm just hoping that with all the times he's puked in my yard a mushroom field might grow.
ill drive you to the airport today if we can have sex first
i left yesterday
ill pick you up from the airport on sunday if we can have sex after
I've got two reasons for you to come over later and one of them is pierced.
Randomize
