Just saw some airport workers running through the terminal with liquor bottles. That's my kind of emergency.
Judging by the amount of alcohol multiplied by the amount of her exes here, tonight will be ending in tears.
I was trying to be really smart and save 10 dollars for each cab there and back. ...so I ripped a $20 dollar bill in half.
My mouth feels like I've been chewing on leather and firecrackers for the past 3 days
i was debating whether to load antoher bowl when i realized i was holding a sandwich in one hand and a cookie in the other. and laughing.
Ill tap morse code on the ceiling when im ready for you to come down amd smoke
Yes I did. Thanks. I was actually an hour and half early. I'm better at public transport than I thought. Guy behind me on the bus is also crying. We compared cry-snot. It was nice in a weird sad way.
I think the biggest problem with being overhigh is when the kitchen was on fire and I was pointing and laughing and eating rootbeer oreos like it was fucking Ozzfest 2000
I am the murdurer of this scooby doo episode
carb up bitch. we're drinking with football players.
DICK-CITY HERE WE COME
I forgot to tell you, that tinder guy literally lives 15 floors beneath me. I have been creepily saying things to him like "I see youve got a hammer on the patio"
How am i even supposed to meet his daughter? "Hi, Claire, I hear we have so much in common, like we both love your Dad and also we're almost the same age."
I'm not saying I love you. I never said I love you. I said that if earth blew up like Krypton you'd be the only person I would like to have inside me when our bodies burn up in a fiery inferno
if you go to jail tonight, call call me. i wanna get out of work
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