Please don't call me names while I'm carrying your child.
wasted. watching meteors, awesome idea i ever had, see 2 for every 1 with ma double vision
I took a bird feeder and filled it with alka-seltzer. Can you say fireworks?
We must be getting old. All of our friends are having kids and they aren't illegitimate.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
At victory brunch. Have a decent story. Im now eskimo brother with the duke mens basketball teams from 2002 to 2008 and obamas right hand man
Not going outside. I may melt into a puddle of wine
The hypnotist is here. He has a black eye and smells like tequila.
Okay. So my choices are the sleeping Guy who looks about twelve and a man that looks like he was the original sandman. Im gonna need a beer for this......
They are stoned and trying to learn sign language together. It's like watching a chimp waving at itself in a mirror.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just went through the Wendy's drive thru only wearing a towel. My life has hit an all time low
He just showed up on my porch naked with just a blanket and a trash bag
The beer bottle was sticking out of your zipper and you shook it onto unsuspecting patrons
Metaphysical thesis on the illusion of self+ 2 day adderal binge = the walls of reality are crumbling
Can't decide if it was more awkward buying sheets together or disposing of them afterwards
My mom's yelling at me for being a whore and my dad's quizzing me on how to drive in winter weather....I'm home!
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