New high or new low? Cat walked into the bathroom while I was taking a #2, looked @ me, sneezed and walked out..
Why are we friends again?
Im not sure if he just tripped or was star gazing, but i gave him head anyway.
I was up until 12:30 making that damned grammar test for my freshmen then I caught myself running through the verb tenses when I was giving him head.
"I have sucked, I will suck, I will have suck, I am sucking..." I've never felt more like a nerdier slut than last night.
I wish all the girls i wanted to sleep with knew how big my dick was then id have a better chance
he passed out at 11 at a party. he deserved to be stripped down an duct taped to the floor
Sorry for my penis texting you last night, I can't control what he wants at 4am.
You were like pukeahontas last night, you tried to tell us you were okay, then you puked in the garden.
I renamed his cat Jeff last night. Well I spray painted it on him.
Steaks?
It's Ash Wednesday.
If you really think that not eating meat on a weeknight is going to keep you out of hell, fine. Can I use that chimichurri you made?
If I got to choose how I die, it would be in an Olympic sized pool of gin and tonic.
No, it's cool, I just bounced from the hospital. I was...talking to a security guard, maybe?
He said "send me a motivational picture" so I sent one with mayo on my face that said "clearly I'm no stranger to white stuff on my face"...I'm the fuckingng worst
I'm concerned I may die tonight. All I've been told about my bday shenanigans is to bring slutty clothes, a bikini, tylenol, sunglasses and pjs. Tell me what the fuck is going on...now
bring lube too
i hate all of you
We kicked down a door together last night, pretty sure that qualifies us as best friends.
You showed up at 4 am holding a beer and wearing a wig you apparently found in the dumpster.
That explains some things...
Randomize
