This morning when you woke up you looked like one of the Wii Bowling people. I think it was the eyebrows combined with the sambuca
Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
I am now the proud owner of a 10-12 year old's Optimus Prime costume from Walmart. Tomorrow is going to be a good day.
then she said "on the count of three I think we should apologize to eachother"
it felt like a thousand fairies were licking my balls.
I remember her trying to talk to me a few times after we broke up and I'd always change the subject to bagels.
Do you think it'd be inappropriate to have an I'm Not Keeping My Baby Party the day after her baby shower?
I had a dream last night where I used the marginal product rule to figure out how much more hangover I got per sip of four loko, econ is taking over my life...
Absolutely. I could drink and smoke that memory away in a matter of years at my current rate.
There was a group of girls next to us. One was smiling at me. I only remember walking up and saying "oh you're Russian". Not sure where it went from there
Jasmine is diving into bushes again.
I should've left when he told me that he only smoked crack by accident once
In theory, it seemed like it would work.
Okay she just told me to turn the volume down on the fan. What does this even mean?
He said "I can't believe I had sex with a cat lady". Am I flattered or is this a new low?
Randomize
