nothing i could have done in life could have prepared me for walking in on her SHITTING on my rug.
Needless to say there is no second date for this girl.
yet...
Why do I always give away anal sex as birthday presents?
Shut up... one mans birthday cake is another mans sodomy my friend
your dad made us margaritas and breakfast on the morning. I think it's safe to say he relives his glory days through us
All I remember is mattress sliding down the stairs while giving him a blow-job. Sorry you had to witness the incident.
You know i'm the father figure
Yeah the father who ate her out with me last night. Great dad
What is their policy on bow ties and belligerence?
You rolled around in the grass BEFORE we went in and said it was because "ladies love that eau de earth"
You know how hard it is to play cool while not drowning and appreciating a pair of butts at the same time?
I dreampt that we were shooting zombies while we having sex. Is that normal?
he just kept texting even after we lit his shoelaces on fire. he just calmly walked into the pool... still texting.
Did I try to sell your body for chicken tenders last night?
Drunk me started making nachos apparently but never got to the part with the cheese. There are chips everywhere
None of these texts make sense. except for "step 2.5 equals velociraptor." that i get.
I still don’t believe you, the dog DID NOT tear down the shower curtain and shit on the floor.. we found you in the fetal position in the bathroom holding your tequila gun. It was you!
A guy caught me talking to a sock today in the Laundry room if it makes you feel any better
Sadly that does. Why...where you talking to a sock
Bc I didn't know him and I asked him where he came from and why he was hanging out with my thongs
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