Never name a vibrator after ashton kutcher
All my problems are solved. I just got McDonalds and scratch off lottery tickets.
There's an Captain Planet marathon because of Earth Day. I can't NOT turn this into a drinking game.
his mom cheated on his dad so i think he has a weird freudian thing for whores
You sir are most definitely in. Better get your penis an umbrella as that bad boy is gonna get soakkkkkkeddddd.
I'm basically just sitting in the porta poTty finishing my bottle of champagne bc I am too lazy to carry it back to the tailgate
Um...any recollection of peeing in the pantry
I found him passed out against a dryer in the girls washroom, in front of an old woman was trying to figure out how to dry her hands.
I still think he fell and scraped his elbow and lost his credit card buying 8 hot chocolates for hobos
Fastest way to get judgmental looks on a Sunday morning: wear sunglasses inside carrying a case of beer and thin mints at the grocery store. May or may not have ran into the glass door.
Gotta love Minnesota
Two big black bouncers picked you up and escorted you to the elevator.
I didn't even do anything wrong. For all they knew I could have been on the US Olympic Gymnastic team. Would they kick Gabby Douglas out of a bar? I don't think so.
I'm at a gyno in Japan. Safe to say every possible rule of etiquette is about to be broken. Buckle up, motherfuckers.
My dick looks like crazy bread
pics are now mandatory
It's like "hey I give your roommate blowjobs twice a week, want to connect on LinkedIn?"
After the day I've had, I can't decide if donuts or fireball would be the appropriate priority.
Randomize
