If we're like this now and women reach their sexual peak in their 30's, I can't even fathom what our futures hold.
They found an open window, climbed through and proceeded to arrest half the party. These campus cops are like fucking ninjas.
... They left for 10 minutes and came back with a lobster he's in the toilet downstairs
the whole "pretend to be sober/pull it together for my family" thing really blew up in my face when i threw up into my pillowcase.
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The thing is that despite the high paying career and the increased responsibility, my life hasn't changed that much. Only instead of blacking out on $2 wells at some dive I blackout on top shelf martinis in a suit. Oh and only on Fri & Sat nights. Being 30 doesn't suck as bad as everyone led me to believe.
I'm sure you can think of a way to make money.. God didn't give you boobs that awesome to waste them feeding your children..
Would you like season tickets to my vagina?
You gotta buy me dinner first. Or smoke me out. Both are equally chivalrous
Hey, you can't rush the perfect creeper shot. I need buffer time to hone my skills.
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All three of my roommates have their significant others over. We're all hanging out in the living room. It's like I'm the trifecta of third-wheeling
I'm not sure New Orleans is real. Even the grocery stores sell vodka.
Why did I wake up in bed with the ironing board and a Mariah Carey mask? Vodka hates me
He brought over a bottle of tequila and a box of donuts with the Plan B, so I guess you could say things are getting pretty serious.
its 8 and I'm HUNGOVER!! how is that possible??
There's a point in life when you've got to take dick like a big girl.
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