there is this woman at the counter who looks identical to linda ellerbee. and she's grinning. COME. INSIDE. NOW.
there is a ziplock bag over sangria in a wineglass in the fridge...classy?
and technically it was a rebound
so lol
and then you got rebounded for the same girl he rebounded you for and still never scored ... it was like watching an LA Clippers game
I can actually hear my brain cells scream as they die when she speaks.
i kept drunkenly begging people i met to be in my facebook mafia
It was great. Even bought me breakfast in the AM
From?
Well, he didn't exactly take me out, but left a $20 on the table...
Do you think my parents will accept my drinking habits more if I told them I like to drink every night because I take good shits the next morning?
If you can't find your cat in the morning it's cause i put him in the laundry basket and then put the laundry basket in the shower.
Seriously, in what other class can the final major discussion be what bar you're going to with your prof?
I just keep sniffing it hoping for an explanation.
She made out with the kickboxers bf. She was just asking to get kicked in the head. In the middle of the bar.
So, the officer that worked my wreck, I'm rockin his world tonight. He saw me high on morphine in the ER. So he knows my level of crazy. Think he'll agree to wear his gun?
So many things can go wrong tonight.
Well, during the ride home I had to personally apologize to both of her breasts.
I've started drunk signing up for 5ks. Who even does that?
I should come with a warning like "do not feed me tequila or cocaine, I will ruin the party and cry"
Randomize
