He told me he looked up all the foods that make cum taste better and he put it all on his moms shopping list. she came through my line. this ones a keeper I think.
you kept falling over in mid-conversation and you just got right back up as if nothing happened...
there is no way i'm buying plan b and condoms at the same time
no do it! it shows that you acknowledge your mistakes and you are proactively working towards a solution.
For some reason i am carrying prostate cancer brochures. i am nor used to drinking this early.
Drunk you assumed that me saying I thought squirrels were cute meant for you to trap one in my car by luring it in with ham. You're going to hell for this.
I'm glad I booty called you last night. It was nice to see you and talk, in between all the sex...
Let me know when ur ready so I can throw up one last time then brush my teeth
The taxi driver was going on about how many drunk chicks want to sleep with him when he drives them home. Not sure if he was bragging or hinting
I think I just wrote a poem about your penis but it was totally unintentional.
We swapped clothes. He left in a v-neck and I left in a tuxedo. Classiest walk of shame or the gayest?
You know what, don't even answer. Just promise me you'll go to the Corner of Shame when you get home.
I went to McDonald's this morning still half drunk with penises drawn all over my body, when my card was declined the cashier asked if I needed Jesus
I was at the pharmacy picking up my herpes medication and the pharmacist asked if I had any questions about my medicine, looked at the bottle, and laughed. Insult to injury man.
Whip out the absinthe and the taquitos, this motherfucker just passed the bar.
I believe the only reason I am slightly functional right now is the leftover drugs in my nose that I keep sniffing
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