How come it tastes like onions whenever I go down on her?
Went home with a 29 year old from the bar. Life lesson: 9 year olds stay up late sometimes
I'm too high to be shopping. I just contemplated deoderant for fifteen minutes. Now testing pillows
Had to use Google translator to be able to tell the cleaning lady not to throw away the condoms we have strategically placed throughout the house.
I woke up with someone else's vomit on my ass. That's how I'm doing today.
I just got licked by a stripper, not so great anymore.
ugh i can't even wear this perfume anymore. it just brings back blurry memories of blowjobs and regret.
I stumbled in at 6am to find my cat in the window making a noise I've never heard her make. When I went to the window there was a goat outside staring at us.
Are you sure? Or did you just think there was a goat?
No there was a goat. I gave it a donut.
I don't know what he did to me, but he did it wrong. I think my pelvis is broken. I cant even drive without it hurting. What. The. Fuck.
I just pulled a piece of cookie out of my bra in the middle of class. I'm forever alone.
I'm not asking you to commit. I'm politely asking your penis to be my friend.
If I'm not drunk and wearing a penguin hat by the time we are done opening Christmas presents then coming home for Christmas was a complete failure
i'm not drunk or reckless enough to have you track my every fucking move. I AM AN ADULT
I turned off my domesticated goddess switch over 2 years ago and idk how to turn it back on. So in the mean time I'll dodge this gf bullet and eat free steak for as long as possible
where are you?
two trains and a bus walk of shame. so not worth it.
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