I just found a dead bug in my nose. if that's the worst thing up there im considdering myself lucky.
You know its going to be a good homecoming when you beer bong a mimosa at 6am.
I just caught Brandon licking the fake chocolate on a smores ornament
I need ur penis! This is not drunk texting, either! This is I need ur penis texting. There IS a difference!
I don't know what he sees in her. All I see are horrible pancake nipples
hey, sorry about all the butter. I thought it was gonna help.
I just sent you a google doc listing all the reasons why I should stop hooking up with him. Feel free to add to it.
Haha, oh man. I'm awake now. Slept in my headdress.
We convinced the Dj to let us play musical chairs...... I won by the way.
I need a burrito and a hug.
I woke up this morning to my house being turned into a bad European dance club at 8:30am. Do you know what "UNS UNS UNS" sounds like at 8:30am? Murder. It sounds like murder.
someday i'll meet a woman who will love me for my marvelous breasts and ignore my many character faults.
Welp, I've officially cried in every Chipotle bathroom in the city. Correlation or causation?
I mean, I bought pot and shampoo before I ran out. I think I can adult.
I will feel awake by 6 pm
Are we not meeting until 6?
No I'm just saying thats usually when my body knows it's time to party
Randomize
