WTF I just almost got ran over by a fucking cop!!!!!!
LOL you shoulda thrown yourself in front for money. Fucking cops!
I cont stop tolking in a british axsent
when I forget a girls name in bed I ask her her middle name then tell her i'm gonna call her that from now on
just because you dressed up as a brontosaurus doesn't mean you can poop in my yard and roar at my neighbors
just spent the last 4 hours covering his room in sticky notes. Viva Drunk Thursdays.
I just had a flash of memory of me asking all of the girls if they were on their periods. If they said yes I said it made us moon sisters.
Hindsight is 20/20. Or a bladder infection.
Just fucked in a kitchen. I never want my penis that close to knives, stoves, or blenders ever again.
Just warning you the last time I had captain Morgan I gave a blow job to a guy that looked like Jesus.
I thought it was my alarm clock, turns out it was her vibrator still going off on the side of my face.
If I'm going to risk life and limb to wear a Wings jersey to the Garden next week, the least they can do is win.
And the most would be ending up in bed with one of them.
he sent me the greatest dick pic I've ever received.
he actually took the time to cut a fingertip off of a glove then put it on his dick like a beanie. he called it hipster dick.
I remember us getting kicked out of the bar, but neither of us know why. We woke up next to chicken bones on a plate with spoons, and my car has mud all over it including places where feet shouldn't be, like the speakers on the car door.
No I'm not high but I did cry for over an hour tonight because I realized that they never made a sequel to "Under the Tuscan Sun" with Diane Lane.
Don't come in. My door to my bathroom won't close because of the table and I'm pooping
Classy
Randomize
