I just smelled my beer. It smells like coming home.
just wokeup with my ethics textbook on my chest, animal crakers in my mouth and my dick in my hand. even aristotle doesn't have a theory for this one
i had confetti in my bra
i still find it in random places like a shoe or my car. that week haunts me
Hey, I can't find my bed frame. Do you know who took it?
You need to always be prepared. Like a sex firefighter.
It's like I opened a door and behind it lay mythical creatures sprinklin fairy dust upon the land leading me to a pot of gold. And that gold is some delicious cock.
Santa brought me a 1.75 of wine, and a liter of patron. I probably won't remember Christmas, so don't ask me how it was tomorrow.
I just texted him and asked him to keep some in case I need help sealing the deal.
Girl Scout cookies are like roofies for fat chicks.
Am I a bad person for getting my ex to DD me and a random hookup home last night?
I can't turn off my feet"
I can't remember dinner
Hahaha "rub in the ketchup on your face, It'll just look like blush." some gay waiter said that to you, and you go "good idea!"
The best part of Easter was watching all his colorblind cousins try to find the eggs.
I found a briefcase foll of fireworks in my old bedroom...that's an appropriate thing to bring to a wedding, right?
Look man if you're looking for a voice of reason, you're talking to the wrong woman.
I spanked her so hard I woke up Grandma
plus like he's kinda a piece of shit. a beautiful somewhat talented piece of shit that hella needs to get his life together
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